A Bittersweet Christmas Pt 1

Let me share a little with you about peace. I am a witness that God gives it, not the peace the world gives but the peace that passes all understanding. His peace is a peace like no other. On Saturday December the 15th my dad had a heart attack which came as no surprise because he had been dealing with health issues for years. In the later months before his passing it was discovered that half his heart had gone bad on top of him being on dialysis for around 9 years because his kidneys were barely useful on their own. My dad was tired. His strength was zapped and I know he knew we were hurting watching him go through the many health issues he was dealing with. After being put on life support after the first of three heart attacks he had within a 4 1/2 day period I was able to receive that peace which sustains me now in sharing those priceless moments with my dad because God granted them to me. I thank God for many things; the life he had and the fact the he was "My" Dad were two of them. I got to spend December 4th with him, the last day he would spend at the home him and my mom shared since the late 60's before he passed away two weeks later in the hospital. We talked, I helped him with what he needed and was just able to be there. On Saturday the 15th of December at the dialysis facility dad spoke with a woman there who later relayed his message to us that he was tired and knew his family loved him (because we brought Thanksgiving to him in rehab. Thank you God I made that butter cake and got to see his reaction of joy in eating a slice of it, lol) and he loved us but didn't think we would let him go. I will never forget receiving the call from my mom that day crying saying. "He left us". I sat there on the couch numb trying to process what I had just heard. I remember calling my children downstairs and them asking me what was wrong and I just sat there blank unable to speak. Moments later the phone rang and it was mom calling again, this time she said they got a heartbeat. I called a friend and me and the girls raised to the hospital. Enter God-now when I say enter God I am in no way applying that he was not always there. There reason I am highlighting it in this way is because what I am about to say I declare was his will because he didn't have to do it but he did. After my dad starting coming out of sedation from his first heart attack he opened his eyes and although it took some time for him to come around enough to be able to focus on the faces round him, he saw those of his family, my mom, and myself. No, he could not talk because he was on a machine the was helping him to breathe but I knew he could hear. We all took turns talking to him. Now here enters God in beginning to release that peace to me that I carry right now, the peace that has been sustaining me through the whole process in accepting my dad's passing, preparing for his Homegoing, and being able to go on with life as I once did. Yes, it will hurt at times being without the physical presence of my dad but God has given me everlasting memories; good times, laughter, joy, and pain. I thank God for it all and mostly because I got to talk to my daddy one last time in ICU and tell him that I loved him, that he was the best dad a girl could ever have and I would always be his little girl. I also told him as I rubbed the worry lines out of his face between his eyes not to be afraid or worry because God loved him and that he was with him and was going to make everything alright. I will never forget how he was starring at me as if he was soaking in every word I said as well as my facial features and existence with him at that very moment. It hurt to see him unlike he once was but I knew God knew all about it. After daddy's second heart attack he wasn't the same. He didn't open his eyes fully like he did after the first one. He just wasn't as responsive as he was previously but we continued to stay by his side and talk to him, not giving up hope all along knowing that God's will would prevail. In the meantime there were calls and prayers. Daddy was being thought about and lifted up to the Lord by many. This helped us so much in dealing with our grief. My pastor came as well as the deacons from my mom's church and prayer over my dad and read scripture to him and we remained hopeful knowing the God we serve was still on the throne and neither was he blind or deaf to all each of us was going through. When my dad had his third and final attack I was called moments before by the doctor saying come to the hospital because they didn't think he was going to make it through the night. I called a cab and my daughter and I headed to pick up my mom and proceed to the hospital. We were around the corner from my parents home and the phone rang again and when I answered the call the doctor said. "I am sorry he has passed away". My reply was, "Did you tell my mom as if I didn't know he more than likely already had. Although we didn't make it to the hospital to see him right before he left this world I was at peace. Yes, I worried about my mom because she had just lost her companion of 53 years and when we pulled up in front of the house I hurried up the front steps to see how she was for I knew she had gotten the call as well. She was in the hallway crying in a low voice but we made it down the steps to the cab and to the hospital to say our final goodbyes. My oldest daughter left her job and met us there. The moment I saw him it was surreal that he had moved on from this world and I would have to adjust to not seeing my dad of 51 years in the physical but wait how was it that I was someone feeling relieved, a very bittersweet feeling it was. Yes, daddy is gone and I would truly, truly miss him but on the flipside of that he was out of pain and suffering no more and was with God. He would no longer have to endure dialysis, weakness, pain and that torture in thinking what is going to happen next. Thank you Jesus this aspect is no more for him and for us. Thank you for his life and that we had him as long as we did. I said this as I held the hands of my two daughters and my mom while praying to God. There was peace for me in the midst of everything and I know it was the peace that the Lord was giving. It was like the hymn states, "It is well with my soul". It was 4 days before Christmas and I had to assist my mom with the hurtful process of preparing, picking and choosing how my dad's Homegoing service would play out but I am glad I could be there with my mom to give her the support and comfort she needed after being his caregiver for at least a decade after things began to decline with his health. His problems began in 1997 but the Lord was keeping him. We had a lot of victories along the way and truth be told even in death it's a victory because to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord and all believers live eternally with him in a place he has prepared for each of us. There it is right there. The thought of him with the Lord is my peace, the knowledge of him no longer suffering from bodily pain and afflictions is my peace. The Lord even took it a step further with me in knowing my heart and knowing that I didn't want my dad's service to end without a final word from me in his regard and he moved my feet to that stage, took away my timidness, opened my mouth and allowed my words to fill the church, for all I know daddy might have heard every word, lol. When I took my seat again between my mom and my dad's sister I was feeling that peace again. So in closing, because I have said much already and believe me I could have said more, I want to thank God for PEACE and the comfort my heart has for he knew it all and is taking care of it all. I love you Father God and I love you Daddy.